AMF/weekend
01/15/06

The AMF (Aesthetic Meat Factory) show was one of the most amazing performances I've ever seen. I had never seen them before and didn't really know what to expect, other than blood and hooks. I had no idea they incorporated music, particularly beats/percussin, into the experience. And that's really what it was -an experience that incorporated all the senses in almost a religious way. Nothing I can say can really do it justice, it was truly an amazing thing.

in general i had a great weekend. there were some bad patches, like me asking someone to make sure my roommate got home ok and then finding out he left her on the street barely able to function, but everything worked out ok in the end.

I was supposed to go to the Gilles Berquet opening Sat, but ended up passing out intermittently, then watched a great movie, "28 Days Later". Apparently it was shot with the Canon XLR vidcam, but I never would have guessed. It looked like film, the lighting was GORGEOUS and the music editing was stellar. I wish i had seen it in a theatre so I could have had the benefit of stereo surround sound. I'm not into Zombie movies, but this is one that is worth checking out.

I'm going to Phoenix at the end of the month to feature at the Den of Iniquity there and should make enough to go to my mom's and drive a car back (cars where she lives are insanely cheap for some reason) It's going to take me 2-3 days of steady driving to make it back, but it should be fun. When i moved to LA i had my 4 cats in tow, so I didn't have the luxury of stopping to look at stuff periodically. I may stretch this trip out a bit, maybe take some pics along the way.

sunday, lazy sunday, though i have a TON of work to do, so I should get to it. my distribution is on track (i hadn't heard back in a while so i was getting nervous), so I need to troll for work and come up with the cash to get my DVD pressed. It's slated for a 3rd week in Feb release. Things are coming together slowly, but surely. I feel very positive about the future (and present)

San Francisco
01/09/06

I am back from San Fran, where I was a part of a Traveling Erotic Art Show. They showed a video art piece I did as well as three of my photographs. I was very honoured to be a part of it, as most of the other photographers in the show have books out. I had an amazing weekend - ate great food, saw the sea lions, walked in the rain, stayed in the most charming french hotel... Though the nightlife leaves a lot to be desired, by the time we had to head back to LA, I didn't want to leave. It's a city, which is something i've been missing since moving here. It was quite nice to have a weekend getaway. I need to do things like that more often.

The Beauty in Suffering
01/03/06

When I started taking photos showing the beauty in suffering was one of my goals. Somehow the idea no longer appeals to me. I've suffered quite a lot in my life and those times were not beautiful. I was not beautiful. I was tortured, I was broken, and I wanted to die. There was nothing beautiful about my suffering. What is beautiful is what has come out of that time of troubles.

What I have learned is that it is not the suffering itself that is beautiful. Rather, it is the state, the level of vulnerability, that one allows another person to put him or herself into that is the beautiful thing, that level of trust... That is what is beautiful, not the torture, not the marks, and certainly not the commercialization of that precious moment

A New Year
01/01/06

I got my car back after a towing nightmare, took a nice bubble bath and passed out in bed naked with my cats. When the new year came I was content, comfortable and completely sober. I got picked up around 2:30am and went to a party. It was a low-key night but fun. I was happy to not deal with the usual crowd of people with their egos and bullshit. I was happy to not be performing, to just be me and be with the person I'm dating and some close friends.

2005 was a crazy fucked up year for me. I am one who believes that everything happens for a reason, even the bad things. they shape you as a person and they help you appreciate it when good things come your way. It was a year of chaos and change. I'm not really a fan of resolutions, I tend to think that they're jinxed somehow, but if I were to make some they'd be :

1. get my production company off the ground, get my DVDs in stores and release titles regularly

2. do more gallery showings (i'm already on that with 4 scheduled this year)

3. put together a pitch/body of work for a book

4. perform my spoken word pieces

5. make my art films, "The Bicycle People" and "The Deconstructed Beauty"

In general I just want to live life to the fullest, work on my art and company, not allow my insecurities and fear of success/failure hold me back, fall in love, spend time with friends and be at peace. simple things that can produce great happiness.

I hope everyone has a prosperous and wonderful new year!

Bondage Ball!!
11/02/05

The bondage ball was great. It was probably the best time I've had in a long time. I had to get there early since I was performing which I thought was going to suck but I commandeered a spot on a bench in one of the alcoves and hung out, watched people dance and listened to the music. The fashion show was INCREDIBLE. I wish I had been a part of it as a model, it was that fucking cool. The styling, the music, the models' performances--everything just rocked.

Darenzia and I did our show, which I think went well. I still can't seem to get back to the place where I get a rush from the performance, but this one did feel good. If nothing else, it was certainly different from the usual stage shows people do. (We did a routine that had us both en pointe)

After the performance was over, I hung out for a bit and grooved to the music they were playing. It was shit I haven't heard since the old Tracks days in DC. "James Brown is Dead" and stuff like that. It was a great night all around. I hope now that they have a venue, they'll go back to having the Bondage Ball 4 times a year!!

The "Audition"
10/29/05

There seems to be a new trend in the biz lately, people who want me to come in an "audition" for a job that pays too much for what it is (the first warning bell). Another pattern is that the auditions always seem to be 2 hours. Interesting... And they involve some sort of sexual activity whether it be foot fetish, bondage, or even hardcore sex. I have an EXTENSIVE resume with website and video credits out the ying-yang. It's obvious from looking at my videography that I can perform on film, I don't need to enact someone's fantasy for free.

One of the most recent experiences was with a "casting agent" who was working on a new sitcom that had hardcore sex in it. I don't do hardcore, but I was considering it because they said it was for Playboy TV (it wasn't) , it seemed like an interesting project and the gig was paying $125,000 for 14wks. And all i had to do was a 2 hour audition where i proved that I could act and perform adult scenes on camera. To make me do a hardcore scene to make sure I can perform is ridiculous. How about I give you a list of numbers of guys who can vouch that I know how to suck cock? Would that work instead?

I can understand someone wanting to meet me first or have me disrobe to make sure I look like I do in my pics. Anything more involving is just a scam and I'm too busy and too far along in my career to work or session for free.

Falling in Love
10/23/05

i never thought this would happen but i have to admit i'm falling in love with ny. maybe it's just my hormones raging, who knows? but today as i was waiting for a subway i heard the most beautiful music coming from a street performer's violin and the way it was echoing in the station and the notes that he was playing were such that i could feel it in my bones and in my soul.

i love ny. i love not having to drive anywhere, i love that i only have to walk a few paces to get virtually anything i might need, i love that someone will come and pick up my laundry then drop it off to me neatly folded, that pretty much everyone delivers, that the food here is excellent, i love walking around the city and looking in all the windows; i've even grown to love walking up 4 flights of stairs to the apt i'm staying in... there is a magic to NYC that no other city has except maybe Paris.

it's funny because last night i was feeling rather homesick but the things i missed weren't particular to LA. i missed my bed, my cats, lounging with J watching movies... that i've accomplished more for my career in the one week since i've been here than in the 2.5 years that i've lived in LA is probably a factor as well. perhaps it's time for a change..

New Paintings
10/11/05

After a year drought I suddenly had an onslaught of inspiration and cranked out 2 new paintings in 2 days, both of which are considerably larger than my usual ones.

    

AVN Reviews "Purging Protocol" !!
10/11/05

One of these days I'm going to get 4 stars damnit! Until then, i will be happy with my 3.5...

They mixed up some of the characters and their roles, but overall I think it's a good review.

Another 3.5 stars, though they got the character names mixed up. Paige plays furniture girl and Madison is the one in the maid's costume. Oh Well...

Review: Self-deprecating humor and a fun script keeps this light bondage effort entertaining, if not terribly hardcore or threatening. Mary Jane and Victoria Lane are mistresses bickering over personal styles. Lane is harsher, while Jane, according to Lane, maintains a Hello Kitty aesthetic. But as Jane hilariously points out, no one likes a bitchy mistress. The costumes rock, the rope ties are first rate, and the music by Jillian Ann is noticeably affective.

Electric-colored full body latex suits don our mistresses, while Paige Richards is a delightful sub in a latex French maid's outfit, swinging with ball gag from the ceiling. Madison Young maintains creepy stillness as a human table with flowers. Director Julie Simone is great at creating interesting and humorous pictures with her girls.

Retailing: Good fun for the bondage novice to view.

The Review

Available in The Store!

NYC, Winter
09/22/05

It was NYC, in the dead of winter. It snowed on that trip. It was fucking cold. I had the brilliant idea to shoot outside in Times Square, only there were too many people and I hadn't realized that NYC had become a police state. So we headed to the meat packing district. There aren't very many pics in this set because it's hard to look sexy when you're so cold you're afraid if you bump them into anything your nipples will fall right off. Yes, most of the ones that didn't make the cut have me grimacing to fight back the chill that was overtaking me. The highlight of the shoot was when I was in a bikini and a guy riding his bicycle ran into a trash can because he was watching me instead of where he was going! That moment alone made it worth all the suffering :)

Jaywalking (spoken word piece)
09/02/05

It's amazing how something as simple as the threat of a ticket, a jaywalking ticket to be exact, can take away one's ability or will to think for himself.

How often do people get jaywalking tickets anyway? Is it really such a threat?

I've lived in LA for 2 and a half years and free-thinker that I am, even I have submitted to this behavioural modification therapy without even realizing it.

When I go to the east coast, people look at me like there's something wrong with me as I stand on the curb and wait for the little white man to tell me it's ok to cross the street even though there are no cars in sight.

And speaking of that little white man that tells you when to walk and when to sit like a good little doggy, I'm surprised that no one has attacked that convention, that subliminal oppression of the masses by the not so little white man.

I'm digressing. It's what I do.
Well, it's one of the things that I do.

My mind wanders now just like it does when I'm standing on that curb waiting as a world of nothingness doesn't zoom by even though I'm waiting patiently, silently as has been dictated by the man who's busy creating one sheep at a time and all I can say is "Baaaaaaa"

External Things
08/31/05

This is something I remember talking to someone about back in 2001. It came up again in a conversation with a woman I met through AA and I think it's worth sharing.

External things. They don't even have to be drugs or alcohol. They're things we use to fool ourselves into believing we're happy. They give us a high, but like all highs and all substances at one point they stop working for us and so we switch to something else. It can be shopping, making money, food, becoming a workaholic, anything that is external...

They're all symptoms of the same disease, one where you're trying to fix what's on the inside with things on the outside. It's never going to work. To get better one has to start with the problem in order to solve it, in order to be complete.

And that's where I'm at these days. Though my life is in many ways totally falling apart, I have hope because I'm finally at a point where I'm willing to listen to what people have to say and to try methods that have worked for them. My methods were leading me to sure death or insanity and I'm not ready to live out the rest of my days in a mental hospital. No, not yet.

"the one"
08/18/05

Art of Manipulation/Relationships
08/18/05

Scrawled in my Notebook
08/11/05

It's been a while since I scrawled my thoughts on paper. It's just not practical in the computer age, but when I'm on the road at a diner trying to unwind after a long day of shooting I embrace the simplicity of my pen throwing its ink on the pages of my notebook that will last longer than any hard drive and will serve as some sort of insight into the mind that created something brilliant (hopefully).

Being in DC is always weird for me. For the most part, the places I now frequent are not places I spent time in when I lived here. The brick streets and buildings move me almost to the point of tears. Their beauty speaks to me in a way that most people can't appreciate or understand.

The cobblestone streets of Georgetown and Old Town Alexandria remind me of the village I grew up in and Kaiserslautern. In reality they're probably nothing alike, but there are elements, simple details that make me nostalgic, that make me feel as if I'm home, just as narrow winding roads surrounded by trees remind me of the time when I still had a father and a mentor, an idol.

I have people in my life who have filled various roles, but I have been through too much to idolize anyone anymore. I think that's an emotion of which only a child is capable. One needs to be innocent to idolize another, to be incapable of seeing his humanistic frailties.

When I think about issues like these it makes me recall Blake's Age of Innocence and Experience and even after all these years I cannot decide which is better -- to be a happy child singing her way obliviously to death or to know that all is hopeless and still trudge along.

For the most part I lean towards innocence. It's such a beautiful and pure thing except when it's taken advantage of...

"Dolly Dreams" Review!
08/03/05

AVN gives "Dolly Dreams" 3.5 stars !! I wrote and directed this vid, so I'm extremely pleased!

The Review: Miss LeMarchand has an extremely high opinion of herself and can't understand why people think she's a "cute little blonde fuzzy head," in spite of the fact she waves a colorful nail file around while raving about her Ivy League qualifications and thirst for revenge. She signs on with lovely Julie Simone to train as a living doll, with the assumption that it will solidify her reputation as a ninny, thus allowing her to fool people and get the drop on them. What really happens, of course, is that she goes stark raving crazy due to interactions with an Evil Doll (played by Simone), who puts her through even more rigorous testing procedures than does Mistress Simone.

Highly entertaining with an impressive set of still images.

New Painting, #8?
07/26/05

it's a sketch for a future painting. i'm not 100% happy with it, but decided to let it go and move on rather than rip it up and start over. the markings on the snake aren't quite right. i almost threw up while doing the research. i think they're the most vile creatures ever invented.

anyway, the piece :

"A Pretty Picture"
06/18/05

Published X2
06/15/05

I just got some great news.

5 photos I took are in the current issue of Bizarre Magazine, accompanying an interview of Paige Richards!! I haven't seen it yet, so i don't know which pic it is; i'm hoping it was the one with the Cheetah, taken in Miami during the filming of the DVD extras for "Bettie Page, Dark Angel".

That shoot was pretty miserable as I was slave girl for the trip, which goes against my nature in sooo many ways (i'm only submissive when i want to be, try to control me and i will rebel) , so getting that pic in print would make it all better.

i have an interview of my own out on the newsstands now as well -Nugget Mag in the July issue.

for some reason it's more exciting to me to get my photography published than it is for me to get modeling pics in print. the ultimate would be to get a self-portrait published. let that day come soon!!!

Metrosexual
06/03/05

this is a term that i find really irritating, especially since it's generally used in a derogatory manner.

a friend used it to describe any man who gets his eyebrows done

since when is it a bad thing to be well-groomed?

there are few things that turn me on as much as a perfectly arched brow or a well-manicured hand. there's nothing wrong with taking pride in one's appearance.

really, the first thing i think when i see scraggly dirty-looking hands is that i wouldn't want them touching me. overly bushy brows just bring out the sadist in me and i want to strap that man down and pluck them out one by one...

the only trend i'm not into these days is the hairless man. men are supposed to have hair; it's what makes them cuddly, like a life-sized stuffed animal. it's like having a hairless cat, it goes against the nature of the beast !

RIP Sammy
05/31/05

I went to the Huntington today to finally put Sammy to rest.

As i was walking along the various gardens, i almost felt as if i was showing him his new home. at one point i even started to see him wherever i looked, laying under a tree, sitting on a bench and i knew then that i had made the right decision.

i don't know how these things work, so i didn't want to scatter his ashes all around, only to have his spirit end up disjointed as well. So i found a nice spot in the japanese garden and put them there in a pile.

i walked around for a little while afterwards and sat on a bench, determined to finally shed the tears i've been holding back for so long but i couldn't cry. i honestly don't know if it's something of which i'm capable anymore, that level of emotion. these last months have taken a tremendous toll on me. i'm just happy to finally have given Sammy the peace he deserves.

F*cking Computers
05/19/05

why can't anything ever be simple?

i went to the Mac store to get Final Cut HD because the hacked version a friend gave me isn't working and i figure, what the hell, i can buy one piece of software in my life.

so i get there and the sales clerk is telling me that i need to upgrade my operating system, get more ram, etc.

my computer is not that old. i have a G4 powerbook; i got it when they first came out and were top of the line. that was maybe 2 years ago?! WTF?! they haven't come out with the G5 powerbooks or i'd have one.

then we started talking about DVD Authoring software and IDVD only comes in a package with a bunch of crappy programs i don't need or want like IPhoto and IMovie (which is what i'm upgrading from). When i asked about DVD Studio Pro he said oh so condescendingly "that's a PRO-FES-SION-AL program. they use that for REAL movies"

right. because i'm not buying a professional grade program already, so of course, he would automatically think i just want to edit my home-made pornos and videos of my cats (which i could easily do in IMovie, Dickhead)

i left.

this isn't the first time i've fantasized about punching a male computer store clerk right in the fucking mouth.

just because i'm a female doesn't mean i am stupid and know nothing about computers. that i own a mac in the first place should mean a little something.

the people at the apple store in Glendale are so much better than the ones at the Grove. i think when i go back to get my ram, and all that other Bullshit i'll take the extra time to drive there so i don't come back home with my forehead vein almost popping out of my head.

i'm aggravated on so many levels. missed a screening because the person who was supposed to accompany me is late (punctuality is a HUGE pet peeve of mine), i can't start on my next project because i have to go back and get all this crap done to my computer, he's STILL not here and i'm starving.

i hate men
i hate computers

ok, end rant.

almost
05/13/05

i almost forgot i'm supposed to be in Berlin right now.

almost.

Dolly Dreams!
05/12/05

this is a video i wrote, directed, shot most of, edited, did the music editing, and in which i played 2 roles.

it fucked me up for a long time creatively because i couldn't imagine topping it. it's twisted, more like an art/horror flick that happens to have a lot of fetish and bondage elements in it.

You Think My Job is Easy??!!
05/11/05

so i was doing a glamour shoot today. in order for the emotions to come across realistically, one really has to bring them to the surface. usually i think about my last sexual encounter, unless it was a bad one. that was getting me through quite well because i had a lot of good material about which to think...

then we moved to the jacuzzi. the poses the photographer was having me do had me positioned in such a way that the jets were going in between my legs and hitting me right on my clit from behind. it was distracting to say the least. i was trying to not cum, because well, that would be a little too weird. i had to keep fighting it and then he had me change positions, only now i could feel every drop of water that was rolling down the front of my body. my senses were a little too heightened.

we finished up the shoot and he said i could chill in the jacuzzi for a bit until the other model arrived. i figured i could take care of the matter rather quickly and be done with it, but of course the model showed up in 2 minutes or less and i couldn't cum.

so you think my job is easy? try driving home for 2 and a half hours after an experience like that. it's past the point where masturbation will have any effect. i need a good hard fuck.

boys should come on sticks that you can buy at the grocery store for times like these.

Deported!
05/07/05

i had been planning this trip for months. London -shoots, a runway show at THE party of the year for Torture Garden, i was going to be in HW's show, maybe doing some lube wrestling as well.

Berlin - the fetish fair, then in the runway show for THE German event of the year for Vex. Also planned on seeing a friend that i haven't seen in almost 3 years.

Zurich - extremely well-paying work, 2 days of shooting

Paris - a few days to chill, shoot if i was able to pick anything up last-minute, before returning home.

I was excited in a way that i've never been excited about a road trip. I did everything i was supposed to - held my mail, exchanged my currency, the whole nine yards.

Then i was detained by customs, who searched my bags and found my planner which sealed my fate. I was there for work without a permit, so they deported me. $750 plane ticket -GONE. $3,500 worth of work - GONE, all the opportunities - GONE.

i'm back home in LA where I'm still in a state of shock. I have no work booked becaused I'm not supposed to be here.

things are getting to the point where I'm starting to wonder why i even bother. every time i try to do something postive in my life i just get kicked in the head. my masochism DOES have limits. there's a point when i will just say "enough". I've been thinking about moving back to DC since this happened. Not sure what i'd do there, but i'd have a better chance at having a normal and stable life than i ever would here in LA.

this has quite possibly been the worst week and a half of my life.

at this point i think it can only get better. that's what i have to believe. things will get better. they HAVE to.

understanding
05/02/05

understanding why someone else does things that hurts you is actually helpful in the healing process.

it helps take you out of the victim role

it helps you see why things happened the way that they did
for often injuries are not intentional,
they're merely a byproduct of something deeper
that's going on with the offender.

i'm not interested in events, i can forgive and forget.
it's ones intent, or the why they do things that interests me,
that makes me decide if i will turn my back on someone forever
or leave them to work out their issues,
but still offer a door for them to walk through
whenever they're ready.

understanding leads to healing
i think i understand, now i'm ready to heal

Dave Nestler!
04/23/05
1:20 am

I've been on the road trip from hell where everyone has cancelled on me at the last minute, and then when i was able to replace some of the bookings I got really sick.... then I found myself in Pittsburgh and was scheduled to shoot with Joe from Enticing Images. I was still sick, but forced myself to go anyway and boy! am i glad i did.

When i got there he told me that Dave Nestler was working on a DVD and I was going to be doing the intro to the "Blonde and Gagged" segment. I had met Dave at GlamourCon back in October and have been a huge fan of his work since I saw pics from that series in Marquis. I'm so thrilled to be a part of this project, which should be out in the fall!

here's a still from that shoot !

Lover's Lounge!
04/13/05

I'm excited to announce a new section on this site : Lover's Lounge!

there's nothing quite like being photographed by a lover. there's a comfort level and a level of excitement that can't be matched. first of all, when a lover is photographing me, i'm doing my best to turn him on. i get to play in a way that i never would in a regular photo shoot. if i'm sexy enough, i'm gettin' some so there's definitely a high level of motivation :)

i figure if nothing else, this new section will force me to go out and be scandalous. in the meantime, feast your eyes on the first installment, shot recently by DVX. Oh, i almost forgot --the requirement for photos that will go in this section --sex must have happened before or after the pics, otherwise, it's just another photo shoot. after (and during) this shoot some pretty amazing fucking went on; he kept going down on me and was amused at the trouble i was having posing for the camera. i, for one, cannot wait for another session with this sexy and very skilled man. MMMMMMM. until then, all we both can do is look at the pics!

Scissor Vixens!!
03/13/05
10:15 pm

I did a shoot with Scissor Vixens.com while I was in Boston. The shoot was a LOT more strenuous than I thought it would be! It didn't help that i had screwed up my knee a few days earlier. We did 2 scenarios -one where i was a bad student who got kicked off the soccer team for being promiscuous (how'd they know?!! :) and was determined to get her spot on the team back! In this scene, i made the guy tap out, which pleased me greatly. The pic below is from the second scene where I play a female repairman who has to collect payment from a chauvenistic client the hard way!

It was great fun and I got to work on my verbal humiliation skills, but man, my inner thighs were bruised and sore for days!!

group sex/3-somes
03/10/05
midnight

a topic came up today that got me riled up : group sex and 3-somes

i have no interest in watching the man i'm in love with fuck another chick. to watch that would screw up our relationship on so many levels that it's not worth it to me. i have no problems with my partner having a one-night stand with another woman. i don't need to be involved in the process.

i've been offered opportunities to live out some of my own fantasies involving multiple men, but i knew my partner couldn't handle it, even though he thought he could, and so we never did it. again, it's not worth it to me. i've been there before and the group sex situation rarely turns out well. someone always feels slighted, someone is always upset, if not at the moment then down the line. occasionally i like to avoid drama...

there are a few women i could trust in a group sex situation; women who are my friends who would never try to pursue my man, preferably one who has her own man.

but most women i don't trust. i've been fucked over by enough "friends" and girlfriends who are either trying to fuck my man or are slamming me to other producers in an attempt to hurt my work opportunities.

i think it's easier to explore these type of things if the couple lives together. that way you know where your partner is, that they're coming home to you at the end of the day. it'd also be easier to catch on if some little bitch is calling at 2am...

group sex when you're not emotionally attached to any of the participants is very do-able. it's backwards in some ways, but for me, the moment i am in love with someone the less and less willing i am to share them with the rest of the female population.

to try and push your partner to do things he or she isn't comfortable with isn't cool... it only leads to the question of "why am i not enough for you?", which never leads to a happy ending; it just starts a cycle of emotional abuse.

just my 2 cents on the topic.
-Julie Simone

for the record...
03/05/05
5 pm

in general i am a pretty content person. people have written to me and mentioned cheering me up, while another person asked me if i really wanted to be happy, said he just wanted to see me laugh. i'm really not that unhappy. i actually have a good sense of humour and can even be witty from time to time.

i am someone who is going though a lot of personal struggles right now. i think most people around my age, or at any age for that matter, should question who they are and where they're going in their lives. i write what other people are afraid to say, afraid to let themselves think because that might rock the boat and they can't handle that. it's not easy, but it's necessary.

it's a process. it's not going to happen overnight. there are things i'd like to change about myself and my life. i wouldn't be who i am if i was someone who would be happy with stagnation and complacency. i am someone who always wants more, who always wants something better.

i'm not sitting at home with a knife waiting to slit my wrists (honestly if i was going to do it i'd slit my throat, much more dramatic :) , i'm not doing drugs, i don't cry every waking moment or even half of them.

i'm what you might call "a thinker" . there's not enough of those kind of people in the world. so, people, embrace me, don't try to save me. leave that to the whales, i'm doing just fine.

New pic
03/04/05
10:30 pm

shot a couple days ago by Jonathan Wilkins. We also did some cool gasmask shots which you will see in the members' section in the not so distant future.

Idiots
03/01/05
12:30 pm

i'm amazed at how incredibly stupid some people can be, at how they read the words but come out with something completely off in left field

i wrote an article called "celebrity-ism sicks" on myspace. it was around the time i was being bashed on a certain gossip site. at no point in the article did i say "oh i'm so famous, look at me". the term "celebrity" was said by someone i had a conversation with about said site who described me as such. there are different levels from Hollywood Movie star to a DJ at a local club and even the guy who runs the deli counter in a small town. It's about being a recongnizable face or name and the article talked about how once that happens, you become a target.

rather than taking from it the message that was intended (and i think i'm a good enough writer that my point comes across loud and clear), i got slammed with comments about how i think i'm better than everyone, i'm ridiculous because i think i'm famous, etc, etc.

so few people are intelligent enough to grasp more than that and i find it sad and appalling. i left college because i thought the system coddled idiots and i refused to be a part of it. (i wanted to be an English professor). The more life i live, the more i see that i was right, it's hopeless.

wet
2/18/05
8:30 am

i was doing a glamour shoot yesterday and the photog was taking pics of me in a jacuzzi. then he wanted me to lay on the bed with my wet hair hanging off the edge. i was a little surprised. you mean i can get in bed while i'm still wet? i always get yelled at for that, every man i've ever been with has yelled at me for that! He said the best thing i've heard in a while : "the whole point of women is to get your bed wet!" INDEED!

 

patterns and their roots
2/16/05
6:22 pm

a lot of women do this, i'm not sure why. i do know that it's frequent because i've seen books published on the subject. what do we do? we change who we are when we get into relationships.

i'm extremely guilty of this. the men that are attracted to me are attracted to this independent strong woman that they meet. as i fall in love, i become incapable of doing anything without them. when this happens, neither party is happy. i'm a basket case and they're wondering what happened to the woman they fell in love with...

my tags have been expired since October. I haven't renewed them because i couldn't deal with going to the DMV by myself. This kind of behaviour is RETARDED. This from the same woman who used to take trips cross-country for shoots alone, armed with a map and a computer. it's the same woman who has built a business, a living, and a name for herself. I did all of these things by myself. And i couldn't go to the DMV. Until today. I went; it cost me a small fortune -$522! But i did it. It wasn't that difficult. I didn't need someone there to hold my hand or drive me there. I probably could have even walked if i had more time, it's not that far from where i live.

then i went to the gym, lifted some free weights, spent some time on the treadmill and elliptical trainer. for once i wasn't worried about the people around me. i wasn't self-conscious. I had no anxiety about being there at all.

a few quotes have helped me get to this place :
"you wouldn't spend so much time worrying about what other people think if you realized how little they think about you" and

"no one is thinking about you. they're thinking about themselves. you need to get out of your head and into the world. you're just being self-centered"

It makes me wonder where these patterns come from. It certainly wasn't my mother, she's fiercely independent, so that leaves me with society, the easy scapegoat.

I'm interested in other people's thoughts on this.
Julie Simone

VD
2/14/05
8:50 am

Ever wonder how many people contract VDs on Valentine's Day? They should do a study. Might increase the sales of condoms along with all that candy!

depression
2/13/05
7:20 pm

one thing i discovered today is that i've been depressed for quite some time. i think it started after i got eliminated from the WWE Diva Search. I made it to the semi-finals.

My boyfriend at the time was the one who pushed me to do it. I never would have done it otherwise. I don't have that kind of confidence and i generally only attempt things that i know i can accomplish. that's not to say i don't ever challenge myself; i do, but not when my ego and self-esteem are at stake. i prefer more intellectual challenges.

so i trained and i changed myself to try be what i thought they wanted. i lightened my hair, i painted my skin, i worked out 2-3 hrs a day. i've had other mainstream opportunities come my way, but i never gave them my all. that way i could have an excuse later if it didn't work out. this was the only time in my adult life that i've ever given my heart, sweat and soul to something... and it didn't work out.

i was crushed. devastated. and i think that's what started it all. i'm sure there was some subconscious resentment towards my b/f for him setting me up for this failure. it certainly wasn't his intent; he didn't realize what i stood to lose by doing this. but emotions aren't based on logic.

the realization came when i was getting ready to go out to the movies today. i put on a dress, heels, light make-up. i rarely do this anymore and that, too, is a sign. i'd lost my pride. i'd lost my self-respect. and i was angry. it felt so good today to be out knowing i looked good. that feeling is something i've been missing.

it's ok to be in sweatpants and a t-shirt if you're working out or sitting around the house, but one really should take care with his/her appearance when stepping outdoors to do something social. pride in one's appearance is an important thing. i think it reflects on how the person feels about him/herself.

in my case this is definitely true. i completely let myself go. i'm a fairly (some would say overly) vain person. for me in particular to let myself gain as much weight as i did and for me to go around with no make-up on, wearing my glasses and sweatpants is quite a transformation.

what is important now, i suppose, is that i have recognized the root of the problem and am working towards fixing the symptoms : i'm taking better care of my appearance and i've been serious about my diet and exercise. today i hiked 45 mins when i got up and took a 45 min brisk walk after I got home. I plan to do the same thing tomorrow, only lengthen the times and push myself further.

in this short time, it's already working. i've lost close to 6 pounds in the last week. total weight lost now is 24 pounds and i'm going to keep going. my target weight is 135, though i really would like to get down to 120 again. i'm just not sure if i can do it substance-free (i'm 5'9"). we'll see. i'm finally at the point where i care about myself enough to do this. and that's a good thing.

-Julie

blatant plug
2/12/05
3:52 pm

i've been in over 100 videos for other companies. they pay me slave wages, then proceed to make a small fortune off me. i've produced for other companies and that situation is even worse. i make about the same as i would modeling only now i have to write the script, shoot the video, then edit it. it's 3 times as much work, if not more.

so a little while ago i decided it was time to finally put some stuff out myself. "the jogger" is a video i made 5 years ago and is my first release. A couple companies tried to buy this video from me, but it's one i insisted on holding onto. it's finally out on DVD and in stores. It's cheaper if you buy it from me, in THE STORE, but buying however you buy is fine with me :) The DVD has an audio commentary and an image gallery. I will be putting out a new release every other month, so stay tuned! The cover art for "the jogger" is below :

The rain
02/11/04

Irritated
01/13/04
So i'm in Starbuck's getting a cup of tea and this guy walks up to me and tells me i'm way too serious. maybe i am, my mind is typically in a million places at once. i have a lot going on in my life from writing and producing vids for other companies, to releasing my own projects, managing my career, etc, etc, etc.

But why do people think it's appropriate to come up and insult me?

then he had the audacity to tell me i was lucky that he was informing me of my shortcomings. FUCK YOU. yes, i'm lucky that you interrupted my train of thought with your useless opinion. i'm thankful that on my break, which is supposed to be my time to relax, i'm now made to feel extremely self-conscious.

really, i don't understand why people have this idea that i want to talk to them or hear their opinions of me. if it's their attempt at picking me up, they need to come up with a better approach, because their current one just annoys me and ensures i'll avoid them like the plague should our paths cross again.

i just want to be left alone with my awake tea, 1 teabag, not two, filled 3/4 of the way with tea and the rest of the way with steamed skim milk and 3 splendas. call me anal all you want, i just know how i like it.

--Julie

Painting 1/2/05